Hello there! I’m starting a new thing on my blog called “Live Blogging Old Movies“. I’ll watch an old, popular movie i haven’t seen, and blog my experience to share with you! This week’s movie: Van Helsing starring Wolverine and the chick from Underworld.
I know Van Helsing hunted Dracula, and I know Wolverine is bad ass, so I’m looking forward to this movie. Let’s get started!
0:02- Movie starts in black and white, villagers have pitchforks and torches. Frankenstein is in this movie?? Why do villagers hate Frankenstein’s monster so much? He didn’t do shit!
0:04 – Dracula is behind the creation of Frankenstein. Whoever plays Dracula kind of sucks at acting……… terrible accent.
0:07- The CGI. It’s not bad, but it seems like they needed more time to polish it.
0:09 – The villagers burnt down a windmill Frankenstein’s monster ran off into, causing him to fall to his death. Pretty messed up guys…..Dracula is pissed, maybe? I can’t tell…
0:09 – One year later….. Color is back! There is no title sequence or anything, that’s cool.. Wish more movies would do that….
0:10 – Wolverine is wearing a bad ass costume. He looks like an old western version of The Crow. Lovin’ the feathered hair, too. He confronts a Shrek-looking Doctor Jeckle/Mr Hyde. He shoots at him, but has to use hand saws (i guess) to defeat him. Cuts off the monsters arm, but the monster throws him off a building! Wolverine then takes out a bat grapple (Superheroes trade toys, apparently) and shoots Dr/Mr through the stomach! That was pretty cool. Damn, the monster changed back into his human form seconds within hitting the ground.. That was fucked up! Dude can start shit, but the second he knows he’s gonna die, he pusses out…..
0:15- Wolverine is in the Vatican, now. His hair would be better fit on a female sitcom star from the 80′s… The priest is saying “You have to defeat Dracula so this family you don’t know can go to heaven.” And Wolverine is like, “Ok, makes sense to me.”
0:19 – Now we meet Van Helsing’s version of Q, a silly scientist who equips the main action star. He’s giving him garlic, holy water, silver stakes, crucifixes. Wow, he even accidentaly explodes something! And, he gives VH a new weapon he just invented….. This scene was straight up stolen from the Bond series….
0:21 – We see a guy tied to a post. I have a bad feeling about this…….. He doesn’t look very tied in, however.. Oh shit, he wasn’t, it was a trick to catch a werewolf. We meet Kate Beckinsale for the first time. She’s dressed like a pirate. A very sexy pirate…. Dang, her brother dies hella quick.. Monster hunting ain’t no joke!
0:24 – Wolverine and Q are traveling the world together. That’s nice. They get to Transylvania in like 30 seconds. Wolverine says Dracula is the son of the Devil. Never knew that…. The village they’re in is very hostile, threating to kill him and Q within seconds. Also, Kate Beckinsale is hot.
0:27 – But, she’s a terrible monster hunter. First, she loses her brother, then, instead of keeping a watch out for flying vampire bitches, she was busy threatening Wolverine. Good thing he was paying attention or they would have ripped her head off! They attack, but Wolverine has an automatic crossbow…. silly. KB was thrown at Wolverine and landed groin first, on his face. Lucky man…
0:29 – The town was put in it’s place by three vampire bitches… She was grabbed by one of them, then dropped on a roof where she backflipped into a tree…. It’s gonna be one of those kinds of movies…..
0:31 – The vampire bitches are not done! And, they are hot, too! when they’re not Vampires, that is. They also have names, but i was too busy staring at their titties to pay attention. And, I think there was more than three… The vampire bitches laugh like the wicked witch. Wolverine killed one by dipping his automatic crossbow into some holy water and shooting the shit out of her, and this caused the rest to fly off. Seems legit.
0:36 – Wolverine defends the town, now the villagers want to kill him for saving the town… These motherfuckers are never happy, are they? Guess it would be easy to be pissed off if you were a peasant back in those times. “What the fuck, Van Helsing, those vampire bitches were gonna kill us and free us from a life of being worthless peons!”
0:36 – Dracula, again. Walking up the wall.. He looks stupid. The dialogue is so bad and made worse by this dude’s shitty accent: “No! I have no heart! I feel no love! No fear! No joy! No sorrah! I am Hodor! and i will live forever.” I think is what he just said… “I am at war wit da Word!” Half the characters have shitty English accents, the rest have their own versions of what they think a Northern European accent would sound like. He says he wants another bride because Wolverine killed the last one. I might not like him, but the ladies sure do. He’s a bit of a pimp. Aaannnddd, they turned into statues….. Didn’t know Dracula and his bitches were able to do that. I thought Racoon Suit Mario was the only person with that ability.
*I have to stop and smoke a bowl @ this point… This movie is way cheesier and stupid than I thought it would be so I have to kill my brain cells in order to finish it………….*
0:39 – Wolverine, KB, and Q are chillin’ in Dracula’s old crib. KB has a pick that is shaped like a hand holding a stake. It’s pretty cool, actually. KB wants to go hunt down the pimp Dracula and his vampire bitches but it’s dark. Wolverine says thats dumb and they should hunt in the morning. When the sun is out… Yay! Something logical! She decides to be stubborn and go… Oh shit, he sprays her with date rape, knocking her out cold! Wasn’t expecting that!
0:41 – She wakes up, clothed, in a bed. Everyone’s gone. She’s pissed. Candles are out, the castle is dark. Cue the creepy music. She hears banging and grabs a bad ass mace. False alarm, just an open window. Shit! The false alarm was itself, a false alarm! The plot twists just keep coming!
0:44 – The intruder was a werewolf! The werewolf was her brother!! Did M. Night Shamallama direct this?!? The werewolf transformation was pretty tight, he straight ripped off his skin like a dirty shirt. He escapes after he turns so he doesn’t hurt his sister.
0:46- Wolverine hunts after the werewolf, and says “Who’s hunting who?” right as i typed Wolverine hunts… Coincidence? I think not…. Wolverine runs into the town grave digger who tries to hit him with a shovel, then gets knocked out by the werewolf. Wolverine has the wolf in his sights, but is thwarted by KB. She cries, he yells, they agree to not kill her brother.
0:50- HAhahahahhahahah Dracula has minions!!! I mean, obviously Dracula would have minions, but he has Despicable Me type minions: midgets in goggles that make weird noises! Don’t know what happened in this scene, as I was excited about the minions.
0:51- Wolverine and KB are walking through the forest, chasing footprints, and wind up at Castle Frankenstein. KB says, “I’ve never been to the sea,” pretty much out of nowhere, for no reason… Cool story, i guess?
0:52 – The werewolf is now in Dracula’s engine room (I don’t know what else it could be described as….), ripping off chunks of his own skin, throwing them on the floor. Terrible guest. If someone I invited over started doing that, I would honestly flip the fuck out, but Dracula is cool with it. He’s like the Hulk, in that, whenever he transforms a small piece of fabric around his junk stays in place somehow, which, is pretty cool, because the Bruce Banner already has it bad. I mean, he mutates into a giant, muscle whenever he gets angry, the last thing the guy needs to worry about it public nudity. You call it a problem with continuity, I call it a small blessing. ANYWAYS, Dracula can control the werewolf brother? He’s helping him, for some reason. I’m confused. Probably because I started wishing I was watching The Incredible Hulk instead of this.
0:54 – KB explains Dracula’s minions are called Durkey? They are Dracula’s servants but they sound like the Daleks…. EXTERMINATE!
0:54 – Dracula hooked the werewolf brother up to the same machine Frankenstein used to bring his ‘monster’ to life earlier in the film.
0:55 – Wolverine and KB walk through a corridor filled with thousands of slimy hanging sacks. Wolverine says the sacks are full of Dracula’s offspring and he’s trying to bring them to life using the Frankenstein method… Ahhh, it’s starting to make sense now… No, wait, it’s not…
0:56 – Oh shit, a wayward lightening bolt brought them to life, as Wolverine was walking past them… What the fuck are those odds? The sacks are filled with tiny vampire dragon things! I want one! Wolverine’s got a shotgun!!! Pretty random, but fuck it. Not gonna start questioning the historical accuracy now.
1:00 – Dracula says “You can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat.” I dunno about that…. KB’s werewolf brother was being used like a kite. He was raised above the castle and strapped to a table and attracted the lightning. I can think of worse ways to die, but not many….
1:02- Wolverine stabs Dracula through the heart and says something cool (I bet) in Latin. I think he said “How about you stake around?”. He thinks he’s the shit, but Dracula is playin’ him for a fool. My cat is sitting in front of the T.V.
1:02 – KB is attacked by some Durkeys, but quickly disposes of them. Also, she’s hot. I dunno if I said that or not already, but it’s worth repeating.
1:03 – Oh shit! Dracula and Wolverine have met before, 300 years ago or something like that. That’d make a cool comic book, wouldn’t it? Dracula keeps calling Wolverine: Gabriel. I thought it was Abraham Van Helsing? Gabe Van Helsing.. Sounds weird.
1:05 – Dracula melts a silver cross. This fool’s as invincible as he is lame…
1:06 – The dragon vampire offspring things are terrorizing the town. Wait, they are exploding? I swear I’m trying to follow this movie..
1:07 – Wolverine shoots his Bat grapple off the top of the Frankenstein castle, it lands, 500 friggin’ miles away, in a tree on a mountain… It shoots perfectly straight, too.. Fuck Gravity!! Werewolf brother cuts the line with his fat ass, but Wolverine’s a G and swings them to safety while the wolf falls into the river.
1:08 – I think Q, a friar, just propositioned a lady for sex after saving her life…. This movie was written for 12 year old boys i think… Not saying I don’t mind the gratuitous cleavage and butt shots, just making a point…
1:09 – KB and Wolverine are in the windmill that burnt down in the first scene. KB’s brother died literally minutes ago, and she’s flirting with Wolverine. Resilient! The floor falls before they can fuck.. Sorry, KB, maybe next time you lose a family member!
1:10 – Q wakes up in bed with a different chick, accidentally leans on a candle stick, learns the most important plot point in the story: How to kill the unkillable Dracula… Holy shit, how lame is that? It was written by 12 year old boys as well…
1:11- In the hole, the newly love struck couple meet… Frankenstein’s monster! MOTHER FUCKIN PLOT TWIST # 47! He has a very sophisticated English accent.. Oh Shit, Wolverine splits his wig! He broke his head into three pieces, but the Monster put them back together like a puzzle… Wolverine tells KB to not kill Frankenstein’s Monster because he can ‘sense evil’.
1:15 – Wolverine kidnaps the monster….. then rides to Rome, from Transylvania, on a six horse stage coach… This movie may be crap, but at least it keeps throwing me curve balls. The vampire bitches attack while they’re en route.. Fuckin’ hell, the stagecoach just jumped over a broken bridge. A 30 foot gap, at least. It was a trap, they had two stage coaches.. and the first one was full of explosives tied to silver stakes..
1:20 – The trap worked, it killed the vampire bitches, but the second stage coach caught fire, and a werewolf attacked it. The stage coach was destroyed. It was Werewolf Brother. And he’s dead. For good? Who the fuck knows, anymore??
1:22 – Oh shit, Wolverine was bitten by the Werewolf!! He’s gonna turn into Werewolf Wolverine and that is the coolest two words I have ever written. Oh shit, one of the vampire bitches survived and stole KB! Things are looking bad for the Van Helsing crew…..
1:23 – They get into the nearest town and instantly a vampire bitch appears. All i see is cleavage. She says she’ll trade KB for Frankenstein’s Monster.. I’d do that in a heart beat.. Shit, I’d give her any monster for KB.
*Holy fuck, there’s still an hour left, apparently…. I need to smoke another bowl…*
1:24 – Q is dressed like a jester. Q and Wolverine put the monster in a stone coffin, walked away. The monster opened the lid.
1:25 – Creepy ass ball room scene. KB is dancing with Dracula.. I think she’s in a trance..Everyone’s dressed like Eye’s Wide Shut. Ten bucks says there’s gonna be human sacrificing. Ahh, Q is dressed like a jester so him and Wolverine can infiltrate the ball… Why doesn’t Wolverine have to dress silly? He’s still dressed like a G. There’s nothing but vampires at this ball! Wolverine swings down from a random rope, at 50 miles per hour and catches KB, without breaking her rib cage or spine. Dracula has caught Frankenstein’s Monster. That was easy….
1:29 – The party is over! All the vampires are chasing Wolverine, Q, and KB, but Q set off a goddamn Vamp Nuke! It lit up the house with daylight, killing the hundreds of vampire, lazily solving the issue..
1:30 – The trio fall into a river. the exact spot Igor is launching a row boat with a tied up Frankenstein’s Monster. (Igor is Dracula’s bottom bitch. He hasn’t done much of anything, that’s why i haven’t mentioned him yet) Again, what are the odds?
1:33 – Wolverine is starting to suffer from Werewolf rage…….. He hasn’t turned yet, he’s just being pissy.
1:34 – They find Dracula’s lair after about, oh 3 seconds, of actually thinking about it…. Fuckin’ hell, guys… On a side note, I think Wolverine is wearing extensions or a wig…
1:36 – Wolverine, KB, and Q walk through a map to find Castle Dracula…….. Hahaha Wolverine glitch jumps up the castle!
1:38 – Slimy, sacks fill the castle… Did I say I think 12 year olds wrote this movie? Igor is bitching about having to do everything. No one cares, bro. They find the Monster and he tells them Dracula has the cure to werewolfism.. Of fucking course he does… I bet’s it’s wrapped in a big, yellow fucking bow, too.. They come up with a half assed plan that i GUARANTEE works.
1:41 – Oh shit! Wolverine and KB kiss! So fucking romantic. They look like lesbians in a 70′s softcore porno. KB and Q make Igor take them to the antidote, while Wolverine hunts Dracula.
1:42 – So, the Frankenstein method didn’t work using Werewolf brother, that’s why the vampire dragon things were exploding earlier. Dracula now has Frankenstein’s monster hooked up to the ‘Kite Simulator’-thing, which will bring his offspring to life? What the goddamn? The Monster has some magical properties that, when electricity flows through it, can create life? I don’t fucking know, I’m just trying to piece this thing together using context clues…
1:44 – Igor takes KB and Q to the antidote and they’re all like, “Oh cool, this couldn’t possibly be a trap”… Surprise, mother fuckers, it is! Igor kicks Q, then pulls a lever, metal bars come down, turning the room into a prison cell. Short cut to Wolverine jumping around the lab. Back to KB and Q, where a wild vampire bitch appears! They knock over something containing water and it burns the vampire bitch (?). The liquid also burns a hole through the metal bars. Q bounces, leaving KB to fight the vampire bitch.
1:47 – The battle of the sidekicks!! Igor is fighting Q! Igor has a cool spear-cattle prod.
1:48 – Wolverine finally gets to Frankenstein’s Monster and tries to set him free, but it’s too late, lightening strikes.. But, it’s not enough! Dracula says there needs to be 2 lightening strikes. Dracula attacks Wolverine, The monster is hit by lightening, again, causing the dragon vampires to be born. There’s millions of them. Frankenstein’s Monster basically jumps off a tower, accidentally killing Igor in the dumbest death scene I’ve seen in awhile.
1:51 – KB is getting her ass kicked by the vampire bitch. Holy shit, Frankenstein’s Monster fell, again, through a window the vampire bitch was standing in front of, effectively drop kicking her out of the scene…..
1:52 – Oh shit, Dracula and Wolverine are finally going to fight! Werewolf Wolverine! He turned! He looks pretty bad ass. Oh shit, Dracula turned into something too. A gargoyle thing. But he ain’t no match for mother fuckin’ Werewolf Wolverine… No one is.
1:53 – Frankenstein’s Monster stays behind while KB leaves to help Wolverine…. This is illogical, since she couldn’t even defeat a normal vampire bitch.
1:53 – Igor threw her the antidote, so that’s how shes going to help.
1:55 – Werewolf Wolverine fucks up Dracula….. duh…
1:56 – Ok, so while KB is on her way to deliver the antidote to Werewolf Wolverine, a vampire bitch tries to stop her and she easily, easily, slides a stake into her belly (Not even her heart, her goddamn belly), and kills her.. Why is it so fucking easy to kill them now? Earlier in the movie she was impressed by Wolverine because, as she says, he was the first person to kill a vampire in 100 years, even though that shit is easier than slicing fresh bread… How fucking useless is she as a monster hunter (and her stupid town) that she hasn’t been able to do this, nor any of her ancestors, who apparently were like the shit at monster hunting in that part of the world…. Everything is so easy in this movie when it needs to be, when it’s convenient, it bugs the shit out of me…
1:56 – Right as Werewolf Wolverine is about to kill Dracula, he turns back into a human.. He’s wearing a lion cloth to cover his junk, too!! I wonder if all pants are specifically designed that way with supernatural (or mutant) transformations in mind…. He’s back to Werewolf Wolverine when it matters….. He bites Dracula’s shoulder, killing him and the million dragon vampires in seconds… Goddamn it…
1:58 – Werewolf Wolverine killed KB!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit! She is by far the worst monster hunter ever…………. Hot…. But terrible at killing monsters… Werewolf Wolverine has been injected with the cure and turns back into a human long enough to scream her name…. They have a funeral for her, just Wolverine and Q, completely forgetting that she comes from a town that probably cared about her.. At least enough to want to show their respects. They will be pissed to find out this motherfucker just burnt her dead body on some random cliff somewhere… Wolverine knew her for like two days, yet he’s acting like they were married for years or some shit..
2:02- Hahahaha he see’s her face in the clouds like some Mufasa, Lion King, shit..
2:03- Oh my god, it’s over……. Thank god for small miracles, I guess…..
Although this movie was bad, it was slightly entertaining and had a few cool things in it, like the werewolf transformations and Kate Beckinsale looking hot. It had potential, I was looking forward to it, but it was cliche and boring, and like i complained about earlier, everything was resolved quite easily.
I give it three stars out of ten
The people rated it on IMDB for a score of 5.8/10 stars.
Cool behind the scene stuff from IMDB:
*Hugh Jackman DID have hair extensions for this role!
*The guy who played Frankenstein’s Monster also played Doctor Jeckle/ Mr. Hyde and apparently “wore a cardboard cutout with his own face on it so Hugh Jackman would have a point of reference when looking at his face.” They should have kept that in the movie…..
*Someone else already had the rights to Abraham Van Helsing, so they changed it to Gabriel Van Helsing, “the new ‘kid brother’”
*Dracula’s minions are called Dwergers, and are “dwarfs from Germanic Folklore”
*When Van Helsing turns from a Werewolf back into a human, he was supposed to be nude, which I find odd, considering how, well, sexist this movie was.. Why make a movie with hella cleavage and worthless females who are only good at looking pretty and then show a penis? I am surprised, however, that there wasn’t any female nudity.
*Dracula only kills one person throughout the entire movie and it’s Dr. Frankenstein in the very first scene…. What a fucking worthless Dracula……
Well, that’s it, hope you enjoyed reading this! Let me know in the comment section how you felt about Van Helsing!